When we fight with our partner, sometimes we don't even know why. Sometimes we become so frustrated and sometimes we are walking on eggshells to avoid the argument. All of this is so common during, what we call, the power struggle phase. "I am so upset about everything from the way the dishwasher is filled to the way they blow their nose! I cannot even breath!"
Take a moment. BREATH. Give yourself a 20 minutes break from whatever is upsetting you. Then really try to understand what we so upsetting to you. Was is the lack of appreciation? Was it the lack connection?
Reach out for help to guide through this phase and find support. You do not have to struggle. Learn to listen and learn to share in a way in which you will be heard. The more practice you have, the easier it will be when it is an emotional time.
After getting married, I had a ton of thank you cards to send out! It really made me think about what "thank you" and "gratitude" mean to me. Sitting there writing "Thank you" notes, thinking of all the times I heard from my parents "Make sure you say 'thank you' or 'Did you write a thank you note yet?'" It's become part of my own process of gaining a new understanding of gratitude. What does it really mean to give thanks to someone else? When do I make time to thank myself for what I do? When do I feel appreciation for my life?
According to positive psychology research, engaging with gratitude will promote a healthier and happier life. Who knew those “thank you's" were more than just social niceties! Here are some activities to try out to increase the influence of gratitude in your life:
1. Gratitude Journal - Make it a part of your morning ritual. I know every morning is a rush to get out of the house. Take time for yourself! For one minute every morning for 30 days, write down 3-5 things you are grateful for that day. If your list makes it longer than 3-5 things, awesome! Take notes of how you feel at the end of the 30 days.
2. Gratitude Letter - Is there someone in your life who deserves thanks and appreciation, maybe even someone from your past? Write them a letter thanking them for their support, influence or whatever it may be. Make it heart-felt, genuine and honest. Here’s the hard part: set up a time to meet with this person - maybe over coffee - and read it out loud to them. Notice what it is like for you after you finish reading the letter to them.
3. Gratitude Walk - Take a walk. Notice what is around you. Use your five senses. What does it smell like? What does the air feel like? What does the ground feel like beneath your feet? Any time a thought comes to your mind, acknowledge that it is a thought and return to noticing what is around you. As an art therapist, one thing I’ve done is to take one picture of something that symbolizes that walk. At the end of the month, I collect all these pictures together and create a gratitude collage of what I've especially appreciated from my walks. "Picturing gratitude" really helps me recall what happened during that last month and helps me strengthen my appreciation.
The post-wedding time really left space for me to remind myself to build this as a habit. It may take time to build gratitude as a habit. Leave a note at your door or set an alarm on your phone that reminds you it is a gratitude moment time.
Thank you…and have some good walks!
A blog about art therapy, EMDR, mindfulness, couples relationship, and anything else that might be an interesting thing to share.
Sara Hulan, MA, Marriage and Family Therapist Registered Associate IMF #97806,